ENGLISHMAN AGES, THROWS PAR'Y

AUSTIN, TX - Astonished to learn he will age another year on his birthday, long time youth advocate and Englishman, Andy Dollerson, organizes an Irish themed party to conceal his embarrassment and old age.

"Everyone celebrates birthday's like they are a wonderful thing, but, mate, nobody ever tells you that they're actually getting older," confesses Dollerson.

During lunch with friends, Dollerson, upon discovery that he would, in fact, turn 29 years old, reportedly spewed his mildly warm tomato soup upon realization.

"Wha 'appened to 28? That's right buggered, mate. Barmy people act like you don't get much older between 28 and 29, but that's a lie. You do. I'm turning 29, and that's one older," Dollerson exclaimed. "Another birthday par'y! I can't be asked, mate. I'm gonna 'ave it away on me toes!"

Confused by this Bournemouth, UK slang, his roommates, Greg and Jolie Willis, in an act of benevolence, communicated as clearly as "could be asked" that a birthday part had already been planned and must continue.

"We have already brewed beer and told everyone we know about the party," Willis told reporters. "As I always said in my theatre days, I told him the show must go on, and that's when hey took his pants off and ran into the side yard throwing pickled yams at the neighbors."

Dollerson then reportedly had an epiphany amidst his pant-less pickled yam fit and returned to the lunch table to communicate his idea.

"We'll toss a banging mash, and that way, nobo'y'll know I'm turning 29. They'll think they're coming to a righ' proper par'y instead. Eh? Eh? Eh? Imperial, mate! That idea is imperial."

Conceding to the pleas, Greg and Jolie capitulated.

"That's when we decided to make it a party about St. Patrick's Day," Jolie laughed. "We were fine with the decision, to be honest, and it seemed to make Andy happy."